On the subject of online dating

Yes, I have tried it.

For some reason, I continue to try it.
Have I had any luck with it?
I really don’t know why I keep going back. Maybe it’s the messages I sometimes receive… they can certainly boost one’s ego now and then.
But most of the time the messages are short and stupid, to the tune of:
“hey how r u”
“your cute”
And so forth. 99.9% of the time they’re from guys I am not interested in at all, and with the types of mind-blowing messages like those above; they are a complete waste of time.
On the few occasions where I have found someone suitable and given them a chance with my MSN, it has also been a giant FAIL. I need a Fail Whale of epic proportions to adequately represent these “boys”.
No one can carry a conversation; they can’t go 3 sentences without putting some stupid sex reference in, or, if they actually seem to be alright, they turn into pussies when I ask them if they’d like to meet for coffee and find a million excuses not to come.
Or they just plain old don’t show up at all.
Folks, just because it’s the internet does not mean I am not a real person. I have feelings, you know.
This all just leads to further frustration on my part. I fall off the horse and I get back on, but the Universe doesn’t seem to want to give me a break.
I’ve been on just about every popular dating site out there. Hey, let’s play a game! How many dating sites has Ginger been on, that she remembers off the top of her head?
  • Lavalife
  • POF
  • OkCupid
  • Match
  • Lemontonic
  • eHarmony
  • TangoWire
And those are just the ones I can think of right away. I’m sure there’s more. Spread a wide net, ya dig?
The worst part of online dating which actually just occured today was the fact that sometimes, you run into people you ACTUALLY KNOW.
The horror!
For some reason today I logged into OkCupid. I don’t really use this site because again: the pussy factor.
Anyway, what do I find in my inbox?
A message from a guy I know who is dating one of my friends. He just broke off an engagement with another friend of mine in favour of the one he is dating right now. I don’t particularly like this guy, but for some reason he is trying to curry favour with me. I don’t know why he cares about my opinion. It’s too much drama for me to handle.
Apparently I showed up in his “quiver”, which means the computer thought we would be a good match based on a series of questions we answered. How embarrassing.
I remarked to him that it was odd that we would be matched together. Then I asked him if my friend knew he was on this site looking for sex hookups (oh YES, ladies! That is what was in his profile!!!!!).
We’ll see how he answers that.
And yes, I’m totally living the dramz lately, aren’t I? I think someone should hook me up with a reality TV show. FOX, I’m looking at you.

So yeah, I’m kind of bitter about the online dating thing. It never seems to work out. My failure in dating in general is compounded by the failure of the internet.

I have TRIED.

But I just can’t get a break. Maybe you see my pain now.

7 thoughts on “On the subject of online dating”

  1. Out of curiosity, what age are you looking for? I was recently talking to a friend of mine and she was explaining her new policy: no more guys under 27 (she's 25). Apparently guys too close to our age are still way immature.

    (By the way, that is HORRIBLE! If I was looking for random sex hookups while dating someone else, I would NOT try and strike up a conversation with a friend of the person I'm dating. He's either dumb, or just an asshole….although I guess its possible for him to be both)

  2. Well, I've pretty much given up "looking" so I just see what (if anything) pops up in my inbox. Lately its been pretty empty.

    In terms of age though, I'm trying to be open minded and would look at anyone between the ages of 23-35. Especially since right now I guess I'm just in need of some practice dates to start with.

    Maybe I'm a bit picky, but I also look for guys who can spell and form a coherent sentence. I could never date anyone on a lesser intellectual level than me–it would be torture. Judge if you want, I don't care. It's a deal-breaker.

    Generally I like older guys because of the maturity thing, but recently it occured to me that I could date someone younger for fun and they would probably "look up to me" and also overlook my inexperience because they are young themselves. It would make me feel validated and less awkward. Perhaps that's foolish thinking, but it did cross my mind.

  3. Oh, Ginger! This post made me laugh. Especially, the guy looking for sex hookups.

    I am sorry you are not having a good online dating experience. Perhaps you should ixna the online dating and go for your local speed dating establishment. Might be fun. They have a bunch in my area in sushi restaurants. Yum!

    I've made a couple of great friends from online dating, but have never had an intimate match. Mine came…when I wasn't focused on dating and instead…just lived. And what do you know… a Match.

    Keep the faith, Ginger!

  4. Hey Ginger … re-stumbled upon your blog after your disappearance from the blog world a while back.

    After reading of your recent dating adventures, I'm struck by memories of what I was like around the same age, and it got me wondering about what kind of advice I could give.

    And I relized that back then, I was given the same advice, and it made just about no difference in how I went about things.

    It's the same old advice: get comfortable with loving yourself … seriously get to a comfortable point where you lose the stink of desperation that single people radiate when they're lonely and hungry for affection. That kind of craving attracts the wrong people and lowers your own standards.

    It's not a fat/thin thing. Seriously, it's not. At least I don't think of it as such, and I've always been kind of a fat guy who's dated kind of fat girls.

    And you know what? This advice will do absolutely nothing for you! If my experience has taught me anything — and for all I know, it hasn't — this is the kind of thing you can only learn from making mistaked, being hurt, hitting bottom, and coming back strong.

    The sooner you get rid of the fat-failure-loner self-determination, and ease up on the miserable-if-I'm-single paradigm, the sooner you can start enjoying the life you have and attracting a decent dude with whom to share it.

    Again, that's easier said than done. Before you get there, you'll probably date and sleep with entirely the wrong kind of guys. Guys who'll use you for sex, use you for money, use you for company, use you to boost *their* self-esteem … and you may end up using guys exactly the same way before reaching a happy balance.

    Cynical? Sure I am. I haven't seen empirical evidence of the fairy tale life.

    Who gives an f if you're fat? From what I've seen, you're foxy fat. FWIW, you seem like exactly the kind of woman I would've courted back when I was an online-dating/hookup guy. But with my wonky self-esteem and the attitude you're broadcasting, you also seem like the kind of woman I'd have become deeply involved with very quickly then broken up with. And you seem like a gifted enough individual that you deserve better than that.

    My point?

    a) Don't believe that you can't attract guys: you can. You can get tons of guys. You can have a different guy every night. You can have guys worshipping you and serving your every sexual whim. You have that power. You have that attractiveness. You can live life on your terms.

    b) Once you get past a), you'll be closer to getting the kind of guy you deserve. The kind of guy you want to be with. And Ginger, the kind of guy you *think* you want right now may be entirely different from the guy you end up deciding you want to *stay with* a few years from now.

    So, my advice, though I know it's impossible to take — chin up, love yourself, get out, have fun living your life, and for heaven's sake, don't catch anything that can't be cured with antibotics.

    — bigass

    PS — I found my lady through Lavalife, but that's not an endorsement. I think I was one of "those guys" then and she was one of "those girls". Thank goodness we both grew up along the way!

  5. Hey bigass, thanks for your input, it's great to hear from a guy on stuff like this, and I can count on you to write me a novel on it! 😀

    I don't have to worry about catching anything… my problem is not that I'm sleeping with the wrong guys, it's actually the complete opposite. I can't get a date or anything at all, let alone get to the point of sleeping with someone or looking for a long-term relationship! That's kind of what makes my situation so sad.

    I've been working on the self-love thing for a while now, and I feel like I'm finally coming into my own. I don't think I stink of desperation though, since I've never been in a relationship I technically don't know what I'm missing. I'm fine being single, but after 24 years of it I think I'm past due for a little bit of sharing.

    I am afraid of being used though. People have walked all over me like a doormat before, and I think that contributes to my hyper sense of caution. My friends have told me that sometimes I even come across as "taken already" or aloof, but never desperate. I don't think I'd even know how to be desperate because displaying that emotion is so foreign to me.

    Anyway, I'm working on the situation, but it's a slow and painful path. Hopefully I can have some fun along the way though, and get over my personal hangups.

    LOL I'd apologize for all the whining I've been doing, but it IS my blog after all! Now I just need some cheese to go with my whine!

  6. Online dating never worked for me, but boy, could I write a book on the funny and/or excrutiating dates I had! :) I was on Match, OK Cupid, etc. like you. I do know of more than a few people who met their SOs and even husbands and wives online. So it DOES happen, but I still think it's fairly rare. I would keep your profiles up but don't count on that being the way you'll meet your next love. For me, going on dates with those online guys was a good way to teach me what I DIDN'T want.

  7. Hey Ginger, I just wanted to make a comment on this. I've been "online dating" for ten years now – and really, a lot of success is based on your comfortability reading people online. Since you're a blogger, I'd actually think that it would be pretty good. =)

    So far my success rate has been pretty decent. I met one guy I dated for 4.5 years on AOL personals (a LONG time ago, like 2000). I met through OKCupid my last boyfriend (1.5 years) and the guy I'm currently dating (as of the last month). Interspersed through all of this are relationships with people I met on Yahoo! Personals and through Craigslist and Match. These lasted maybe a month or two at most. Obviously didn't lead into anything more serious, but I consider them successful none the less, we just weren't Matches for each other – a few are still good friends to this day.

    Here's the deal though:

    1) Just like in real life – you're not going to be attractive to every guy you meet. So yeah, I've been in relationships with 3 guys I've met online, but that is after talking to A LOT of different guys. I've also met A LOT of guys in real life, and have only dated ONE that I met in the real world. So really, I'd say that online dating has narrowed down the world for me quite a bit. =)

    2) Most of the successful matches that I've seen (the ones that have led to marriage) are when the WOMAN takes the initiative to talk to the guy. Usually guys are just into sex (which is a no-brainer) so they'll talk to ANY female who crosses their path who seems attractive and available. However, females are more choosy and thus will only talk to guys that they think will be good match for them. So if you honestly want online dating to work, YOU need to be the one making the initiative. In both of my long term relationships I was the one who made the first step, and they both turned out reasonably well. One of my best friends, his wife emailed him first, and they just celebrated their three year anniversary last week. I can't think of any instance where the MALE contacted the FEMALE that the relationship led to marriage. Though I'm sure they exist, I don't know about any. I think that says something, though.

    3) You have to have something interesting to say. I always have little, creative things that I'm interested in that I bring up in the first conversation to see how bright the guy in and if he is witty. Most guys can't keep up, and if that is the case, I stop talking. I also make sure that I can have 3 successful IM conversations (like on OKCupid) or 1 week of successful email banter on the dating website before I give out any person information like my email address or my AIM name. Just to be safe, and to make sure that the guy isn't a one hit conversation wonder. =)

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