What does it mean when you can’t get the thought of someone out of your head? Does it mean something is wrong with you? Or right with you?

Does it signify an unhealthy obsession, or something deeper?

As much as I have tried to steel myself against it, Mr. Darcy keeps popping into my head and it’s driving me mad. Out of all the things I am dealing with right now, why does this have to pop up?

Nothing is going to happen there. So why do I keep yearning for him? Why can’t I get over this?

…and more importantly, why can’t I ever get the guy?

And by bites the dust, I mean another gal I know got married.

There’s been a huge spate of marriages and random child-birthings I’ve heard or seen about via Facebook. None are people I was particularly close to but ones I knew well enough to have on FB on the first place.

On one hand I am really happy for them all. Finding your partner for life or welcoming a new baby is truly wonderful.

But it makes me feel pretty sad. I can’t even get a date when all these people I know not only have boyfriends and girlfriends, but are also getting married, and sometimes even having kids.

It seems like every day there is a new “name” on my FB page. I have no idea who they are until I see that it’s an old friend or acquaintance who got married & took her husband’s name.

I just don’t understand why I can’t even get asked out on a date, when at this age everyone is getting married and popping out babies. It’s not like I don’t want to find a boyfriend, or that I’m overly involved in my career.

My life goals include finding my mate, running my own business and having kids. All of which is totally possible to do.

I’m just feeling really down right now. It’s a bittersweet feeling when you find out your friends have everything that you want, and you have no idea if or when it’s going to happen for you.

I feel like I’m the last one to be picked for dodgeball teams all over again. Except that this time it actually matters.

Yes, I have tried it.

• Lavalife
• POF
• OkCupid
• Match
• Lemontonic
• eHarmony
• TangoWire

Well, the concert is over. As a concert, it was good. As a night, it took a turn for the worse.

I thought I did everything right… the night was going ok, BB and I were making smalltalk in between songs about random things. Aside from a few awkward silences it seemed like he was having a nice time.

About halfway through I knew that he didn’t really think of me as dating material–he never asked me anything about myself and only talked about his friends and his apartment. But I never figured that he would just get up and practically run away at the end of the concert.

Now that it’s over I can tell you that we went to see Tool. They’re known for not doing encores. However this time you could tell they would, and they did (played one of my fave songs, too). Right after the last song, but before the encore (the “false end”) BB said he was going to go meet up with his friends and try to get home. He was practically pushing me out of the way as he left.

I thought we’d at least be walking to the TTC station together, if not going most of the way home, since he lives nearby. But he just took off without even waiting to see if there was an encore, and he didn’t even say goodbye or anything!!!!!!!

I mean, all I expected was a simple “I had a great time, it was nice to meet you, thanks for the ticket”. I got nothing but the wind he created as he rushed by.

I’m feeling pretty dejected right now.

The ride home was tourture. It was all I could do to keep the tears back as I watched all the happy couples around me flirting and snuggling and just being couples. I sat alone, in a single seat, all by myself. Truly the story of my life: The Loner.

I just don’t understand why this happens to me. Why don’t any guys like me? I’ve been agonizing over this for years and the general consensus from all my friends is that I’m not really doing anything wrong. They tell me I’m actually quite beautiful and that they were attracted to me because of my personality. My friend J, who is married to B said that if he hadn’t been attached that he would have asked me to dinner after he met me.

So what’s the deal? They’re my friends… can I even trust what they say if all I get is shit results?

I’ve tried looking. I’ve tried making an effort to meet people. I’ve tried NOT looking (“when you finally stop looking, you will find love”) I’ve tried EVERYTHING. And still I am left alone. And a stupid guy wants to get away from me so bad that he doesn’t even finish the night with the common pleasantries.

I’m feeling pretty awful about myself right now. How would you feel if you were me?

I should have picked the girl instead.

That’s right, folks! Tomorrow (Wednesday) is the big night in which I go to my concert with Band Boy!

I am sad

I’m back, and everything went well, I guess. I did my best to keep my expectations under control and tried to have a good time.

Actually I had a really good time, considering it was the first time I met or spoke to Band Boy (BB) outside of an email.

OMG. He is WAY hotter than the photo he sent me. Totally gorgeous, and to top it off he was a perfect gentleman the whole evening. He kept the conversation going, did a good job of paying attention to me as I tittered on and smiled enough to make sure I didn’t feel inadequate next to him. He even paid for my drink!

I decided to sell him the ticket, so we’ll be going to the concert in a couple of weeks. I also ascertained that he is single… at least I’m pretty sure. He lives with a roommate right now if that’s any indication.

Anyway, we got along pretty well, not too many awkward silences (he always picked it up when it needed picking up!) and it seems to me at least that we have a lot in common.

We like the same music, both enjoy/want to do out of the ordinary traveling, we’re both financially responsible, the list goes on. I think we’d make a great match.

Of course I don’t know if he feels the same way about me. Past the handshake I gave him upon meeting, there was no casual touching during the whole 2 hours. Sadness.

He is also a fairly buff dude. He’s a kinesiologist at a clinic, and used to be a personal trainer, so he’s very fit. Not one of those dudes that works out all the time and drinks protein shakes and nothing else, but health and sports definitely seem to be priorities for him.

When I meet people like these, I always wonder about their feelings towards me. When they look at me do they see me, or the fat person I am right now? I know I’m a fattie, but I’ve got toned arms and legs and I think I might even be pretty. Certainly the Nicest Comment dude thinks I’m lovely.

I just wonder though–does some part of him maybe think that I am disgusting for being so fat? I take care of myself in every other way and made sure my personality shined through. Even talked about my kung fu skillz and stuff to show that I am active. Can a muscle-bound hunk ever be interested in a chubster like me? Without wanting to change me too much?

He never gave me any indication that he felt like this of course, this is just the little voice inside of me piping up. He was a complete gentleman and seemed to enjoy my company well enough for the time that we were together. He walked me back to the subway, but there was neither a hug nor a handshake goodbye. I told him that if he wanted to hang out between now and the concert that I would be cool with that too. He just replied “Sure, give me a call” and then we parted. I don’t know how to read that, and I don’t know if I should!

I would really like to see him again but don’t know how to go about it. I suppose I could call him, but for what? I don’t want to tip my hand too soon. I didn’t make any overtones that I was interested in him, and he didn’t to me, either. It was a very polite evening. Damn he’s hot. And interesting. And well-spoken. And intelligent. And a pleasure to be with.

*sigh* I wish I knew how to flirt. I wonder if I had been more flirty and less myself if he would have responded to that? I know guys need some clues, too and I’m pretty sure I didn’t give anything away, sadly.

I’m happy to go to the concert with him but I can’t tell if there could be more there (even a friendship? That’s how I pitched it to begin with).

I don’t know. Any suggestions? Just ask if you want more details and I’ll provide them in the comments. I’m tired of being alone and want to figure out how to get someone to go on a date with me without it being tres awkward!!

So, tonight is the big night.

But I guess I shouldn’t put that much importance on it, right?

Previously I wrote about how I have an extra concert ticket and found a guy off of Craigslist who I might sell it to. He would be sitting with me so I wanted someone that wasn’t a crazy. You can read about it here.

We finally were able to arrange a time that both of us were free to meet up and have a beer, so I’m heading out to a neighbourhood pub tonight to meet this guy. Don’t worry, I’ve told friends and we’ll be in a public place!

Now I know I shouldn’t expect much more than a ticket sale to come from this, but damn! He is cute! And answered my emails in a satisfactory fashion. I’m kind of excited to meet him, we have exchanged phone numbers in case something comes up, but have not called each other yet.

I figure he already has a GF, but I’m going to try and look nice tonight anyway on the off-chance that he might be interested. (I’m wearing the same outfit I got the Nicest Comment in, for good luck!)

I’m really trying not to think about this, to keep my expectations low, but it’s hard when you really just want to hope for the best.

So, I hope you all will wish me good luck, either for getting an actual date with the guy, or at least being able to manage my expectations and not be too disappointed when it doesn’t work out!

I guess I’ll have to report back later, eh?

I’ve been meaning to write about for this for a while, but I’ve been having quite a busy week!

I wanted to talk about something just wonderful that happened to me about 2 weeks ago.

I was on the subway, heading to the train station so I could go home to my parents’ for a doc appt and pick up the car for my drive to the festival I was attending that week. I had just gotten out of a big long meeting at a partner company’s so I had a dress and my cute flowery wedge sandals on. I don’t think this really has anything to do with what comes next… but enh.

Anyway, I got on the subway car and found a seat and was just minding my own business; I was a bit tired from the long meeting. At the next stop a bunch of people got in the car, one of them (I guess) was this sort of nerdy, sweet-looking guy (Think Elijah Wood as Frodo in LOTR). He was hanging onto the pole in front of my seat as the subway pulled out of the station.

As the subway was slowing down before the next stop, he looked at me and engaged me thus:

Him: Excuse me, but I just wanted to say that I think you’re incredibly beautiful.
Me: *blink blink* Uhhh… thank you? (I was kind of stunned by this of course)
Him: Have a nice day (as he exited the subway car)

The thing that struck me the most was that I believe he was completely sincere in his comments. Genuine, not a lick of scumbag-behaviour.

Wow. How often does something like that happen? It was totally out of the blue, and while it caught me off guard it didn’t creep me out or anything, because it was the real deal.

And let me tell you that it really meant something to me. To have this confident-yet-not-a-jerk guy give me, a complete stranger such a wonderful, well timed and much-needed compliment was a huge pick me up. I’ve written before about my lack of lovelife and dates, and some of my self-image issues, so this unsolicited comment really made like, my whole week! I think it was a gift from the Gods as this was not the first time messages come to me in this way.

I’m sort of keeping it my mind like a tiny little jewel that I can bring back out to look at when I’m feeling sad. Writing this entry will help me remember it even more.

So thank you, random sweet guy on the subway. You really did a good thing for me and I appreciate it.

To my readers: has anything like this ever happened to you before? I would love to hear your heartwarming story in the comments.

And now I am back for more.

Not to mention that everyone is strapped for cash these days, and the tickets ain’t cheap.

So I’ve posted them on CL, but not where you would think! I did a post on the Strictly Platonic section, in the hopes that I can meet someone cool to go with. I did this because no matter who I sell it to I’m going to have to sit next to them–so why not someone of my choosing?

I did this last year for a NIN concert and a girl came with me. It was ok but we didn’t really stay friends after the concert. But I’m ok with that. It’s better than being completely alone or with a complete stranger!

When I told my friends that is what I did, they thought it was a good idea but asked me why I didn’t open it up to guys, too? It never occurred to me that maybe I’d be able to meet a cute guy with similar music tastes!

So I opened it up to guys this time. I got some random crappy 1-line emails, some guys trying too hard, and an over-enthusiastic girl who is too young for me to go with. There were a few decent emails, though. Some people didn’t even want the ticket, they just wanted to be friends with me….?

So I took the plunge and wrote back to a cute guy who had a normal email, actually included a photo as requested, and actually lives in my neighbourhood! He was even sensible enough to ask to get a beer or coffee together before agreeing to sell him the ticket.

I just sent him the email, so I’m not sure if he’ll answer back, or if he wants to do it this way. But damn, he is cute! And employed! I figure I can see how things go and try to come out of my boy-fearing shell a little bit.

There is always the chance that he has a GF and really IS just looking for an extra ticket… but even if that is the case I will still have a cutie to go with, right?

And this way I have the upper hand in everything, which will hopefully give me some more confidence in dealing with this situation. I plan to pick the time and place to meet, and I hold the ticket so I really have all the power. A rare situation indeed!

Hopefully this all works out. Here’s the email from him if you’re interested:

“Hi, I randomly got on craigslist looking for an apartment and something drew me to the platonic section. Maybe I’ve had too much to drink?

I love [Band] and would love to go see them. I’ve seen them only once and it was the best concert of my life.

a little about me; Im 26, I work in a physio clinic as a kinesiologist, I’m laid back, down to earth, low maintenance kind of guy.
i live near [Ginger's neighbourhood], if you want to meet for a coffee or beer before agreeing to sell me the ticket.

My number is below, feel free to call me or send me an email.
Cheers”

Also: Don’t bother trying to creep me on CL, I’ve taken the posting down already!