I’m sitting here feeling a little bit ridiculous with one of those Biore nose strip things on. I’m grappling with a lot of weird feelings these days, and awkwardness even when I am alone is a new one.
My abrupt disappearance from the web was facilitated by the re-emergence of depression in my life.
Back when I was a child/teen I was severely depressed and fought tooth and nail every day just to keep going. It was truly debilitating. I took every type of antidepressant available at the time, and was in intense therapy for many years. I still am, though not quite as intense these days.
After many years of therapy, I finally started getting better. Going to college was great for me, though my struggles had left me with great gaps in my social skills, keeping me awkward and shy at the oddest times. I missed a great deal of my life while I was under the cloud. It gives me a unique perspective on life and people, though whether this is good or bad I can’t say.
I thought I had triumphed.
How naive of me.
I know I keep whining about how this has been such a tough year for me; but it really has. First the Mr. Darcy fiasco, then general glumness. I have grown increasingly miserable at my job and lack of prospects which was made worse when there were staff changes that threw my whole working world into chaos.
At the same time my beloved dog passed away suddenly, I was having no luck finding a new job and my friends were nowhere to be found. I had to adjust to a new roommate which is always a challenge and somehow keep going at work.
Still no job leads, and now my poor cat Tigger develops cancer and dies within a matter of 3 days. I watched his life pass out of him on the veterinarian’s table and my heart still aches for him. I never even got to grieve properly.
I went to the Spirits of the Earth Festival immediately after, hoping to find some healing and hope, to forget about my worries, but instead the solitude overwhelmed me and I was forced to come home early (usually I have a great time there).
I come back to another bomb at work and I’m just so unhappy!! So unhappy! My life has been getting progressively darker and I am unable to maintain control over my emotions or reactions. I call my parents from a random park, sobbing.
Wonder of wonders my dad (who thinks that depression is just “the blues” and not a serious illness despite living with both me and my mom as depressives) suggests that I go on short term disability at work. The thinking is that I get a chance to be away from the misery for a while, and find a new job in the meantime.
Nothing in my industry has popped up lately–the summer is the worst time to find a job. So now I am relegated to finding something, anything that will pay my bills so that I don’t have to go back to my current office. The future is looking rather bleak right now.
I’m sitting here, home alone in my pyjamas, shunned by my cat (who is still peeing on my bed *sigh*) and feeling quite pitiful.
So that’s where I’ve been, folks. That’s why I haven’t been writing much, though there is so much I want to talk about. I am just plain old overwhelmed, and I’m afraid that my sadness is going to seep into my writing; and really, who wants to read THAT?
I don’t really know what the purpose of this post was. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone, and I felt accountable to all my regulars. I never thought I would be this way again, but I guess I am. Sucks.
Does anyone want to hire a down-on-her-luck blogger for something? I’m actually good at a lot of things, but don’t really know what to do. I’m thinking of going back to school for something (but what?) but will still need a job to pay the bills. I’m looking at reception jobs right now because I can’t think of anything else.
Based on what you “know” about me, what kind of job or career would you suggest for me? I’m not good at anything that needs math skills.