Category Archives: sadness

Hello darkness my old friend

I’m sitting here feeling a little bit ridiculous with one of those Biore nose strip things on. I’m grappling with a lot of weird feelings these days, and awkwardness even when I am alone is a new one.

My abrupt disappearance from the web was facilitated by the re-emergence of depression in my life.

Back when I was a child/teen I was severely depressed and fought tooth and nail every day just to keep going. It was truly debilitating. I took every type of antidepressant available at the time, and was in intense therapy for many years. I still am, though not quite as intense these days.

After many years of therapy, I finally started getting better. Going to college was great for me, though my struggles had left me with great gaps in my social skills, keeping me awkward and shy at the oddest times. I missed a great deal of my life while I was under the cloud. It gives me a unique perspective on life and people, though whether this is good or bad I can’t say.

I thought I had triumphed.

How naive of me.

I know I keep whining about how this has been such a tough year for me; but it really has. First the Mr. Darcy fiasco, then general glumness. I have grown increasingly miserable at my job and lack of prospects which was made worse when there were staff changes that threw my whole working world into chaos.

At the same time my beloved dog passed away suddenly, I was having no luck finding a new job and my friends were nowhere to be found. I had to adjust to a new roommate which is always a challenge and somehow keep going at work.

Still no job leads, and now my poor cat Tigger develops cancer and dies within a matter of 3 days. I watched his life pass out of him on the veterinarian’s table and my heart still aches for him. I never even got to grieve properly.

I went to the Spirits of the Earth Festival immediately after, hoping to find some healing and hope, to forget about my worries, but instead the solitude overwhelmed me and I was forced to come home early (usually I have a great time there).

I come back to another bomb at work and I’m just so unhappy!! So unhappy! My life has been getting progressively darker and I am unable to maintain control over my emotions or reactions. I call my parents from a random park, sobbing.

Wonder of wonders my dad (who thinks that depression is just “the blues” and not a serious illness despite living with both me and my mom as depressives) suggests that I go on short term disability at work. The thinking is that I get a chance to be away from the misery for a while, and find a new job in the meantime.

Nothing in my industry has popped up lately–the summer is the worst time to find a job. So now I am relegated to finding something, anything that will pay my bills so that I don’t have to go back to my current office. The future is looking rather bleak right now.

I’m sitting here, home alone in my pyjamas, shunned by my cat (who is still peeing on my bed *sigh*) and feeling quite pitiful.

So that’s where I’ve been, folks. That’s why I haven’t been writing much, though there is so much I want to talk about. I am just plain old overwhelmed, and I’m afraid that my sadness is going to seep into my writing; and really, who wants to read THAT?

I don’t really know what the purpose of this post was. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone, and I felt accountable to all my regulars. I never thought I would be this way again, but I guess I am. Sucks.

Does anyone want to hire a down-on-her-luck blogger for something? I’m actually good at a lot of things, but don’t really know what to do. I’m thinking of going back to school for something (but what?) but will still need a job to pay the bills. I’m looking at reception jobs right now because I can’t think of anything else.

Based on what you “know” about me, what kind of job or career would you suggest for me? I’m not good at anything that needs math skills.

Go Gently, My Darling

Another day of sadness in a week of sadness.

Today, my baby darling cat Tigger “Mr. T” passed from this world into the Summerland.

A funny shot of Tig "eating" chicken wings

After a brief battle with what we think was cancer, my brother and I took him into the vet this morning and said our goodbyes.

I held him as he rested his chin on my hand and gazed into his eyes as the anesthetic was administered. Gazing into his eyes I watched the life pass out of him gently. He stuck his tongue out at me as he left.

It was so quick. It was the right thing to do, but it hurts. First my dog, now one of my cats. We adopted Tig and his sister Mocha (also the love of my life) from the Humane Society 13 years ago. I did a lot of growing up with those cats, and Tig was there through thick and thin with his goofy meow and sweet disposition.

The house feels so empty now, even though Mocha is still here, and I have Sheba to go home to.

My brother dug a hole in the garden while my mom and I said our goodbyes to Tig. I dressed him in a shroud and lowered him into the ground myself. He was so soft, so limp. It wasn’t really TigTig anymore.

I feel better knowing that his suffering is over, but now I have the fallout of my life to deal with.

Why is there so much sadness these days? Everything seems to be working against me this year, and two of my rocks in the storm have now passed into the clearing suddenly and unexpectedly.

I just don’t understand why this is happening to me, and to my brother.

Rest in Peace, Lady

Lady wearing Mutt-Luks. She hated them.

I have had a wonderful, beautiful dog named Lady.

She was a Spitz/Lab mix, medium size with the cutest splotches of dusty-brown on her furry white coat. She always looked like she was smiling and would wag her curled & feathered tail every time she saw you.

She was a love hound–she could never get enough attention! Sweet and attentive she was always happy to have you there with her and would protect you with her life. She gave lots of kisses and snuggles and sneezes (a running joke!) when she got excited.

A very well-tempered dog who loved the outdoors, especially during the winter. She would want to be outside at the first sign of snow, and would create little paths through the backyard when it was deep enough. She just loved snow! We would take her out to the country for walks and hunting and she got such a thrill chasing the squirrels and bounding through the leaves! You could feel her joy at being outside with her family radiate from her solid little body.

I remember her soft, silky ears, the scruffy fur around her neck, spotted paws and “pantouffles” as we called the fringe on her legs. Giant white dust bunnies were no stranger in our house! She had really bad breath and earned the affectionate name “Stinky Dog” which I used regularly.

Lady was old when we got her. We were her third and final home. She was around 7 years old when we got her, and never did learn how to play with doggie toys. She always preferred to play chase in the yard with us. She guarded our home from intruders and errant wildlife, but didn’t really bark all that much.

She was, by any definition, A Very Good Dog.

Lady was 14, and she just passed this week, quietly, contentedly in her sleep. My brother and dad took her out to our hunting grounds, which was her favourite place to frolic. She was buried with her doggie bed that I made her.

Lady passed away the afternoon of Monday, April 12th, 2010. I did not find out until the following Saturday when I went home for a visit. My parents wisely spared me the news so that they could be there for me when I found out.

Oh how my heart aches for her!

I never got to say goodbye. The last time I saw her was at Easter. While she died a good death and lived a wonderful doggie life, I am deep in mourning for her. I miss her so much.

I moved away from home 3 years ago, but I still loved to have her around when I went home to visit. Her presence always soothed me and comforted me, but I never really realized it until I lost her.

Oh Lady. I love you, and I miss you my dearest.

A Little Busy…

You’ve probably noticed that I haven’t been around much lately.

For good reason!

I am busier than I think I have ever been in my life before, and I’m grappling with a lot of change at the same time. All this adjustment I have to go through is very draining. At the end of the day I just want to go home and go to bed, so blogging has been swept to the side for the time being.

It’s a difficult yet transformative time for me right now. I am playing so many roles and dealing with so many things right now

  • trying to do the job of 4 people at work & trying to work with a new boss that I’m not totally sure about
  • while simultaneously trying to get a promotion or raise or something that will keep me motivated as I continue to question whether I am really doing the right thing in my life
  • supporting 2 separate (yet joined!) friends as they struggle with issues ranging from marital discord to alcoholism and my odd feelings of being left out as they dash full speed ahead into a new friendship
  • finding a new roommate now that my old one has given notice (mega stress! I’m really doing well with the applications considering it has only been 2 weeks, but I hate the instability!)
  • dealing with the re-emergence of low-grade depression where everything I once loved I now have no interest in
  • Feeling generally fatter than normal
  • breaking in a new cat while trying not to feel as if I have passed over my other two cats I left with my parents

You see? There is a ton going on that I’m trying my best to deal with right now. I guess I should be thankful at this point that I don’t have a boyfriend, right?

While blogging has always been therapeutic for me (and still is) I just haven’t been able to bring myself to post anything earth-shattering (or slightly amusing!) in a while. Sorry.

To make up for my absence I offer you pictures of my new cat, Sheba (The Queen of):

Looking regal, as always
Pfft! No more photos! It's time for my nap!

Concert Recap

Well, the concert is over. As a concert, it was good. As a night, it took a turn for the worse.

I thought I did everything right… the night was going ok, BB and I were making smalltalk in between songs about random things. Aside from a few awkward silences it seemed like he was having a nice time.

About halfway through I knew that he didn’t really think of me as dating material–he never asked me anything about myself and only talked about his friends and his apartment. But I never figured that he would just get up and practically run away at the end of the concert.

Now that it’s over I can tell you that we went to see Tool. They’re known for not doing encores. However this time you could tell they would, and they did (played one of my fave songs, too). Right after the last song, but before the encore (the “false end”) BB said he was going to go meet up with his friends and try to get home. He was practically pushing me out of the way as he left.

I thought we’d at least be walking to the TTC station together, if not going most of the way home, since he lives nearby. But he just took off without even waiting to see if there was an encore, and he didn’t even say goodbye or anything!!!!!!!

I mean, all I expected was a simple “I had a great time, it was nice to meet you, thanks for the ticket”. I got nothing but the wind he created as he rushed by.

I’m feeling pretty dejected right now.

The ride home was tourture. It was all I could do to keep the tears back as I watched all the happy couples around me flirting and snuggling and just being couples. I sat alone, in a single seat, all by myself. Truly the story of my life: The Loner.

I just don’t understand why this happens to me. Why don’t any guys like me? I’ve been agonizing over this for years and the general consensus from all my friends is that I’m not really doing anything wrong. They tell me I’m actually quite beautiful and that they were attracted to me because of my personality. My friend J, who is married to B said that if he hadn’t been attached that he would have asked me to dinner after he met me.

So what’s the deal? They’re my friends… can I even trust what they say if all I get is shit results?

I’ve tried looking. I’ve tried making an effort to meet people. I’ve tried NOT looking (“when you finally stop looking, you will find love”) I’ve tried EVERYTHING. And still I am left alone. And a stupid guy wants to get away from me so bad that he doesn’t even finish the night with the common pleasantries.

I’m feeling pretty awful about myself right now. How would you feel if you were me?

I should have picked the girl instead.

The Garbage Strike Blues

For those of you that don’t know, Toronto is in the midst of a city workers union strike in which garbage pickup, city maintenance, summer camps, etc. have all been stopped by the striking union. More information.

This garbage strike is really getting me down lately. We’re into day 25 of it here with no end in sight. My neighbourhood is still relatively clean, but the area that I work in is disgusting. (The photos on BlogTO were taken in my work area. You see what I have to deal with every day!)

Everywhere I look, there are trashcans filled to overflowing. Litter lines the streets, floats in the air, is tangled in trees and gardens and otherwise makes itself a nuisance.

The smells are pretty bad, too. People are no longer sorting their organic materials out, and are just dumping it all wherever they please which makes everything doubly stinky. The streets and sidewalks are sticky, slippery and smelly and unpleasant to walk on.

People have now begun giving up on trying to find a proper trash receptacle. Now they’re just throwing things anywhere with no regard to the environment or other people. It breaks my heart to see my beloved city drowning in mounds of trash.

Granted, every city will have its various sanitation problems and Toronto is no exception. But with this city strike going on it is simply appalling.

I never really realized before this just how much trash we all produce. Sure, I see what I directly put out on the curb every 2 weeks, but to see that multiplied by 2.5 million people—astounding.

I suppose if I were to look on the bright side, I would hope that Torontonians would make the same observations that I did—quite simply, we are still producing too much trash. I have been making a conscious attempt to reduce my output, especially with this strike going on. It’s tough to do, but I’m making the effort.

I think that Toronto is slowly moving in the right direction, but we’ve got a long way to go.

I can’t wait for this strike to be over. Even with my limited trash output, I’ve run out of bins to store it all in.

Bad News At Work

I found out recently that we’re not getting raises this year.

My boss said that it is due to the economy however they hope that this freeze will only be temporary.

It doesn’t really make me feel any better.

I was supposed to have a salary review back in July; I even did all the little “projects” they gave me in my 3 month review so that I could get the raise, but we never even did my review. Same thing at the year mark, which was November for me.

I knew that March was when raises would be released to everyone in the company and was banking on getting something good, but that has been effectively dashed against the rocks.

I know you’re probably thinking “Well, at least it’s better than a paycut or losing your job!”

Fine, it is, but it still stinks.

Yes, I can still get by on this salary right now, but I’m really not comfortable. It’s still difficult to save or do some of the fun things I want to do. I really just need more money.

I don’t know whether I should look for a part time job to make some extra cash. I like the idea but then I’d have to work all the time. I don’t know if I have the flexibility in my schedule, or even the energy for a second job; and would the exhaustion be worth it for minimum wage?

I’m just really bummed.