Wow. It has been a long time since I laid finger to keyboard and loosed my thoughts upon the world.

It’s kind of hard, getting back on the wagon. You get away from writing and then suddenly it becomes this impossible task–the words just stop flowing the way they used to. I suppose that’s why you need to keep practicing, always practicing.

I have been going through a very trying period in my life. The old saying “when it rains, it pours” carries truth with it!

Since April my life has been in a state of chaos and upheaval. Things changed at work (and NOT for the better), I realized that I don’t really know what I want to do with my life right now and am going through what Mr. Darcy called a quarter-life crisis.  I never thought I would be one of those people, if you catch my drift. In April I was also in the process of acquiring a new roommate and trying to deal with the old one–definitely a sticky situation and high on the stress-o-meter.

Amidst all this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad change my dear pup Lady passed away suddenly. Try dealing with all the chaos in your life and then add a nice layer of grief on top of that. I’m still not done crying for her.

My new cat Sheba caused me additional grief, but more of the lighter kind: she started peeing on things and it just drove me over the edge, no exaggeration. I don’t have an easy way to clean things or do laundry, so I was going through bed sheets like crazy, and the pee leaked onto the mattress. Luckily I found a great recipe to remove it so I’m not sleeping on something gross anymore but the whole process was just the icing on the cake.

I broke down, folks.

I am a strong person. I can carry the worries and woes of everyone around me, plus my own burdens. I do not break easily. But when I break, I break.

I would have episodes of the shakes, my heart racing a million miless a minute, breathing altered and shallow. I called my mom to try and calm me down and just babbled into the phone, apparently not even making sense anymore. I was breaking down into sobs, the deep wracking kind and was freaking out, thinking:

“Oh, there it goes. See you later sanity. …Or will I?”

I forgot complete events, which was terrifying.  Have you ever felt like you were losing your marbles for real? Early onset Alzheimer’s?

I was unable to control my emotions and could barely make it through work. I would have to get up and leave at lunch to go cry in a park on the phone with my mom. I would spend time thinking about whether I should take some kind of stress leave (and how the hell does one go about that, anyway?). My coworker got concerned because I would be almost-crying at my desk and he had no idea why.

It was one hell of a time. So much was going on and I was losing my ability to cope and control my life. I just wanted to give it all up and had thoughts of just saying fuck you to my whole career and signing up to be a receptionist somewhere.

Easy-peasy, something a monkey could do. I was beat. I think I still am beat. All I could think about was getting away–away from everything and everyone. Just crawling up into a little ball in a nice, padded room or high-walled garden and letting someone else take care of me for a while. I just couldn’t deal.

It was awful.

Not much has changed yet, but I seem to be getting better. For those of you who are interested: Yes. I am in fact getting professional help to deal with my mental illness and issues. Because that is what it truly is. I have a mental illness.

I don’t like to say “I suffer from…” anything, because it was always in the past for me. Growing up I suffered from a profound case of depression and social anxiety. But I fought it (with the help of lots of drugs and therapy) and I won a tentative truce. You can normally only see shades of my illness nowadays.

But you see why I was so worried that I was losing my sanity, because  for me, it CAN happen.

Now that I am recovering, I learned that I had a slip back into depressive mode brought on by stress. I also had some kind of weird anxiety issue which basically fed the depression fire, which in turn created more anxiety, etc. in a vicious circle.

I think I got through this time with the support of my friends and family. Well, mostly one friend. I never actually had anyone outside of my family to help me through the first time around, so this was a different experience. I credit her love and kindness with helping me recover so quickly. If not for her I may still be in the breakdown lane. I’m still kind of awed that I have someone that cares for me like that in my life. I think I’m going to buy her some flowers.

So now you know why I haven’t been around much these days. I hope to be back writing (I have a LOT I want to talk about) much more frequently, but I’m not going to stress about it, mmkay? Otherwise I may be gone for good next time!

I guess to finish off this post, I want to give a shout-out to all my peeps who also suffer from some sort of mental illness. I never thought there would be anyone who could help me. The first time around there wasn’t anyone. But finally, finally there was someone. Wow.

Hang in there. People who have other mentally-ill people in their lives, YOU hang in there, too. I know it’s tough, but we really need you.

If you or someone you know is living with a mental illness, here are some good reference links for you. The best help for anyone dealing with mental illness is understanding and support from their friends and family. Educate yourselves.

Canadian Mental Health Association

Mental Health Canada

Breakdown: Canada’s Mental Health Crisis (The Globe & Mail special series)

PS. Just Google for more results relevant to you!

O.

M.

G.

My mind is BLOWN.

I just discovered today that on amazon.ca you can finally buy stuff other than books & media!

I totally just stumbled onto the home & garden section and I’m having fits of pure joy.

I LOVE Amazon. They’ve got good selection, reviews and the shipping is decent, too. I’ve been using them for years and years for my books and I have been waiting patiently for them to make other items available for online purchase & super-saver shipping as well.

Have my prayers been answered? Let’s hope so!

I am off to explore now. I’m a little wary of the shipping because sometimes the items come from merchants other than Amazon and then you have to pay. I want to find out what qualifies for my free shipping!

Ok, so the laundry yesterday didn’t happen. Instead I spent the afternoon helping my new roomie assemble some kind of Ikea wardrobe thing for her room.

Ikea is great, until you have to put that shit together!

We did ok though, working as a team which was cool. Except that we managed to get one of the floor support pieces in the wrong place so when we went to put the legs on we couldn’t! Oh the horror! Something like this always happens with Ikea stuff, no matter how closely you follow those directions! Ugh!

Lucky for us, I was able to problem-solve and I MacGyvered that fucker! Now she has a new lovely piece of furniture that won’t fall over

Today I think I may continue doing the whole purge-clean thing. I’ve just got SO MUCH STUFF. I think I may go through my clothes once more (I already have a few things to sell or give away) and then maybe move onto the numerous bags of swag (aka: Crap) that I have accumulated lately. I’ll divvy it up into piles for friends, stuff I want to keep and stuff to give to charity.

I might also just re-fold everything in my drawers. I dunno but I’m in an organizing kind of mood today!

But what should I do about the knick-knacks? After talking with the roomie I’m not sure how well moving my stuff out to the general apartment will be received. But then again she wants to hang all her art and put her personal books everywhere so maybe I am within my rights to include my stuff, too?

Well, today’s the big day!

My old, financially-unreliable roommate is moving out, and the new one is moving in!

What’s funny is that it seems everyone else had the same idea for this weekend! My street is positively filled with moving vans, giant garbage heaps of old furniture and people milling about with boxes!

It’s as if everyone decided that May 1st is the best date to move in. Really, I can’t blame them! I myself moved in here on May 1st 3 years ago. OMG that makes today my 3rd anniversary of moving to Toronto and becoming a big city girl. Yay!

I am celebrating by cleaning & purging. Some of the floors and walls have not been visible for over 2 years. Now that the furniture and rugs are gone, I can finally tackle them and give them a good once-over!

I even cleaned the inside of the fridge! No more funny smells for me! Underneath the sinks where the garbage cans are is all clean, too. And of course the bathroom is spotless. But it’s usually in a near-state of cleanliness.

I think the biggest project is my bedroom. I have a lot of crap, people. I have a big room, but more than enough stuff to fill it!

I could never be a minimalist, but sometimes I wish I had less stuff! The thing is, I actually like all of my items. I only keep things that have sentimental value, or that bring me joy when I look at them. However that is still a lot of stuff! I would love to be able to move some of my more decorative items out of my room and into the general apartment space, then others can enjoy them as well. Maybe this new girl will be open to using personal items to decorate?

I also have about 100lbs of laundry to do I am NOT happy about that. My kitty has been having some issues using her litter box lately and she seems to think it’s ok to pee on my bed. My BED. It’s awful. Anytime I see a new spot where she’s gone I have to strip the bed and start cleaning the mattress–there is NO WAY that I am going to let that cat pee smell set into my mattress!

So while I’ve been able to successfully clean the mattress, I have a few pillows, several sheet sets, blankets and even a bedspread that are awaiting a good wash! Ugh what I would give for a washing machine in my apartment! Instead I have to haul them around the corner and down the hill (then back up!) to the local laundromat. I hate it.

So I guess that’s the next major project of the day or weekend. But I really don’t want to do it, that’s 2 hours of my day gone doing nothing. I may just procrastinate until next weekend and get someone to pick me up and take me to my parents’ where I can wash in comfort.

Hey peeps! Shop ChickAdvisor is having a cool sale on Cake stuff!

You all know I love Cake stuff!

Grab the discount below and get your mamma something nice for her special day! (Or maybe for you…? I’m getting this for pedicure season and I’m out of my hand creme anyway!)

To all those fantastic PR, social media & interactive agencies, and the companies that handle their own promotion, this message is for YOU!

We’ve been working together for some time now, and it’s been great. You send me products and services to try, and I use my power as an influencer and write about the products on the blog, or I talk about them in real life. It’s cool because people actually listen to me and lots of people in my network are now either using or considering your brands. It’s not easy to measure, but I promise you it is happening!

I’ve been blogging for over 2 years now and have unintentionally built a successful online brand for myself, which is only getting better as my audience and influence in the blogosphere grows. (Imagine how cool the brand would be if I actually put effort into it!)

But did you know that I build brands in real life, too? I’ve got over 4 years of experience in the advertising/media/communications industry, and a solid post-secondary education in it, to boot! I have worked client side (briefly), as a broadcast buyer and am now in communications/media planning.

I am so in love with social media and the whole brand + influencer dealy-o that I want to become even more involved. Blogging has been a pretty positive experience for me, and I love looking at it from “the Other side” as a marketer. It is so cool to be working on campaigns at my day job and be able to incorporate some of my insight on connecting with influencers, because I am one.

I mean, seriously. Who better to build a social media/influencer outreach strategy than a blogger who already knows the ins & outs of the system, the proper “netiquitte” and who has a solid communications strategy background?

Ok, so I’ll cut to the chase.

I’m looking for a new career.

Can you help a girl out?

I’m just starting the exploratory stages of this job search now. I want to be in social media (or something similar) putting my skills, experience and passion to work. I don’t really know what kind of position I am looking for yet, but I’m confident that there is a place out there for someone with my unique talents and combination of blogging and traditional marketing experience. Hell, I’ll be a spokesperson for something if it’s a good fit!

Is your company hiring? Could you find a place for me? Do you know anywhere else that might appreciate someone like me?

Even if you could provide me with a few pointers, guidance or even some good links for reference, I would greatly appreciate it!

If you’re interested in learning more about me in a professional capacity I would be happy to provide my resume and toot my own horn for you (serious inquiries only, please!).

Of course I am pursuing this the traditional way, but I figured that since I’m trying to get into social media, I may as well use it to help me find a job, right?

Even though I’m gunning for social media/PR, I’m looking for pretty much anything that would suit my talents and that pays well. *holds imaginary cellphone to ear* Call me!

Reading

I’m reading this right now (The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla), it is part 5 of The Dark Tower series. I’ve been borrowing all the books from a friend of mine and making my way through the series. This is one of King’s more epic book series, and I love it. It’s so bizarre. I love a book that keeps me thinking about it even when I’m not reading it, and this is one of those books.

I definitely suggest you check this out if you’re a King fan, or if you’re looking for an odd, sci-fi read that isn’t quite so sci-fi! I’d start with the first in the series though, The Gunslinger.

Eating

Mmmm… tastes like summer during childhood! I have a lasting love-affair with tiger tail ice cream. Chapman’s has always made it, but it is so hard to find! I haven’t had it in years! There’s been a few times that I’ve resorted to buying a hand-packed pint of it from Laura Secord for an outrageous price!

Happily I just discovered that President’s Choice makes it now! *swoons* I am SO happy because now I can actually buy it! I found some in my parents’ freezer this weekend and my mom said she bought it just for me when I come to visit

If you’ve never had tiger tail ice cream before, you should try it! It’s a bit zany, a mix of mandarin (or orange) flavoured ice cream with a licorice flavoured ribbon through it. It’s a bit weird and lots of people don’t like it, but I love it! Maybe it’s just because it reminds me of happier times, but I will always love this ice cream.

Wearing

I went shopping this weekend along trendy Queen West here in Toronto with my friend Munchkin. Both of us had weeks from hell, so a little retail therapy was in order!

I have been searching for the perfect pair of plain black flats that are comfy and can be worn anywhere. I think I’ve found them! After searching and searching, I finally stumbled upon a European line I had never heard of, Camper.

While the sizes run a little bit small (I had to go 1 size bigger), when I tried on my Leia flats, they fit so well and were so comfortable I felt I could start walking in them immediately, without having to break them in!

I was really impressed by the quality and craftsmanship that went into these shoes. I looked at the rest of the line (I am so in love with the entire TWS line, and pretty much ALL of their shoes) and it looks like my pair were not the exception. They’re all made from quality materials and look as though they will hold up. Apparently they have a good reputation, too.

The only downside is they’re so damned expensive! My shoes cost $198 (omg I just realized I don’t think I have ever spent that much on shoes, let alone flats!!!) but somehow I feel like it’s worth it. If they end up crapping out on me in a month though, you better believe I’ll be ranting to the company about it!

Most of the other styles were also in that price range, but they were just so cool. Like truly wearable pieces of art, they looked stylish AND comfortable. And THAT is something I am willing to pay for!

Using

Even though spring and milder weather is here now, I’m still suffering from some mega-dry skin all over my body. This winter I’ve been working through all of my tubes, bottles and pots of various moisturizers, and I finally worked my way down to this one, Vaseline’s Intensive Rescue Moisture Locking Body Butter.

I can’t remember where I got this, but it’s pretty good! Much like your traditional Body Shop body butters, this is thick and creamy. With a silicone base to it, you want to slather this on right before you go to bed. It really helps hydrate your skin and keep the moisture in. I like to use it after I shower, too.

It’s a little greasy so I don’t use it all the time, but overall I am very glad I found this in my bag o’ stuff! It doesn’t have that sickly sweet and cloying smell the Body Shop products have so it would be great for people who are scent-sensitive like me.

Sniffing

Now, I may be scent-sensitive but that doesn’t mean I don’t like smelling pretty! I’ve been testing out Degree’s new line of anti-perspirants; Natureffects.

I’ve always like Degree and now they’ve got a few more scents for you to try out that are light and refreshing and no too overwhelming:

Honeysuckle & tea tree oil

Olive leaf & pink pepper

Orange flower & cranberry

I have been using the honeysuckle one most recently, and so far, so good! You can only really smell it if you stick your nose into your armpit, which is good for me! I don’t like smells of any kind hanging around…

I’m excited to try the orange flower & cranberry next since it smells so good! Now if only I can find it! (I think my mom may have filched it…)

After another craptastic day at work I came home to a nice surprise:

DRINK ME

Someone has sent me a nice bottle of Black Tower wine and some bracelets! How sweet. And what good timing.

I haven’t been writing much lately because life has just become unwieldy. I’ve realized that I really don’t like my job anymore, don’t want to just get another job somewhere else doing the same thing but I don’t really have a clear idea of what I WANT to do. What a pickle.

Top that off with the month from hell at work with tight deadlines and all kinds of crazy and you’ve got one unhappy gal. Last week I drowned my sorrows in a bottle of wine. It was the first time I’ve ever finished a whole bottle by myself.

Well, not by myself. I did drink the whole thing but I was at my friends’ place for dinner that night so they took care of me. It was bad.

Then I found out that my pup passed away. It has not been great lately, folks.

So this is very well-timed bottle of wine+sparklies. I can either crack ‘er open this weekend as I end another shitty week, or I may save it for my upcoming tea party (one of the few lights in my sky right now).

I don’t know which PR company sent this to me, but thanks. It made my day just a little bit better.

Lady wearing Mutt-Luks. She hated them.

I have had a wonderful, beautiful dog named Lady.

She was a Spitz/Lab mix, medium size with the cutest splotches of dusty-brown on her furry white coat. She always looked like she was smiling and would wag her curled & feathered tail every time she saw you.

She was a love hound–she could never get enough attention! Sweet and attentive she was always happy to have you there with her and would protect you with her life. She gave lots of kisses and snuggles and sneezes (a running joke!) when she got excited.

A very well-tempered dog who loved the outdoors, especially during the winter. She would want to be outside at the first sign of snow, and would create little paths through the backyard when it was deep enough. She just loved snow! We would take her out to the country for walks and hunting and she got such a thrill chasing the squirrels and bounding through the leaves! You could feel her joy at being outside with her family radiate from her solid little body.

I remember her soft, silky ears, the scruffy fur around her neck, spotted paws and “pantouffles” as we called the fringe on her legs. Giant white dust bunnies were no stranger in our house! She had really bad breath and earned the affectionate name “Stinky Dog” which I used regularly.

Lady was old when we got her. We were her third and final home. She was around 7 years old when we got her, and never did learn how to play with doggie toys. She always preferred to play chase in the yard with us. She guarded our home from intruders and errant wildlife, but didn’t really bark all that much.

She was, by any definition, A Very Good Dog.

Lady was 14, and she just passed this week, quietly, contentedly in her sleep. My brother and dad took her out to our hunting grounds, which was her favourite place to frolic. She was buried with her doggie bed that I made her.

Lady passed away the afternoon of Monday, April 12th, 2010. I did not find out until the following Saturday when I went home for a visit. My parents wisely spared me the news so that they could be there for me when I found out.

Oh how my heart aches for her!

I never got to say goodbye. The last time I saw her was at Easter. While she died a good death and lived a wonderful doggie life, I am deep in mourning for her. I miss her so much.

I moved away from home 3 years ago, but I still loved to have her around when I went home to visit. Her presence always soothed me and comforted me, but I never really realized it until I lost her.

Oh Lady. I love you, and I miss you my dearest.

Well, there’s really  no excuse for me not writing any longer. Things have settled down a bit so I thought I’d hammer something out on a cool experience lately.

Last week I teamed up with The Asian Pear and Melanie for a shopping expedition! As loyal members of the Addition-Elle rewards club, we were invited to the launch party for Jessica Biffi’s new ready to wear collection at Addition-Elle.

The event included a night of shopping at the flagship store at Yonge & Temperance with hors d’oeuvres, fancy drinks, door prizes and a chance to hang out with Jessica B herself!

It was a blast. I love shopping parties, but I love shopping for my fat clothes even more! As plus size women we are rarely represented, so I was tres excited to check out the new Biffi line.

In case you don’t know who Jessica is, I’ll fill you in. She was a contestant on Project Runway and a plus-size woman herself. In fact she used to work at that Addition-Elle location! After the show was over she was able to slide into the fashion scene and has been busy with a bunch of shows. She recently signed on with AE to design a women’s wear capsule for AE, Penningtons and MXM.

Jessica is a very talented designer, so needless to say I was waiting with bated breath to see how her designs would translate not only to mass, but also to plus size fashion. I had high hopes, but tried to keep them low. As anyone can attest to, plus-size fashion these days is going down the tubes. Styles are trashy, ill-fitting, poorly constructed and quickly moving away from comfortable and durable natural fibers to a heavier mix of synthetics which no one likes!!!

I realize that trying to design clothing that flatters the majority of customers can be a very difficult thing to do. But my reasoning is that if Jessica Biffi can do it, why can’t plus-size retailers hire more designers like her? No one wants to wear a polyester tent.

Whew! Now that I’ve got that off my chest,

let’s talk about the clothes!

Overall, I was pleased with the Biffi collection. While many of the materials used were synthetics, they were markedly better than what AE traditionally uses. The colours were vibrant, the cuts and draping were flattering to many of the women there (I camped out in the change rooms for a while so I can say this with truth!).

The construction was also superior to what is normally offered (again, why can’t ALL the clothes be like that?). I was a little sad that the collection was so small, but I guess for a first run it ain’t bad.

On the rack, the garments didn’t really look like much, to be honest. The website doesn’t do them justice, either. What I was most impressed by with the collection was that the garments looked good on the bodies of the  majority of women who tried them on. Personally I looked fantastic in everything except for the red dress, but I blame the awful bubble hem and pleating for that. It looked off on a lot of people.

I think I tried on just about everything, but here’s what I bought in the end:

Jessica Biffi printed top with knotted back

Jessica Biffi solid top with knotted back

Jessica Biffi red trench coat

My favourite item has got to be the red trench. I am in love with it. I have worn it every single day since I got it, even when it was too cold to do so! I like that it’s made of cotton, and the belt and collar are very flattering on me. And of course the colour. The COLOUR! I love red. I am known for red. It is a colour you don’t wear lightly. I love the bold statement this trench makes. It catches the eye–I see people looking at me everywhere I go! (BTW, Mel got this coat and it looks fab on her, too!)

I love the two shirts, too. I tried on the coloured one at the insistence of… someone? haha I can’t even remember since I was talking with so many ladies that night! It looks kind of blah on the rack, and also on the model up there. What you really need is a nice wide belt to spice things up! There is a belt in the JB collection but it’s not on the site. Any wide belt would do, though. It balances out the tunic top (over leggings, jeggings or skinny jeans!) enhances the bust area and makes everything look a little bit better. Magic. I use the belt for both tops and go from day to evening easily!

I almost bought the pair of skinny jeans on offer too, but sadly I ran out of money. Hooo boy those things are tight! But they’re supposed to be. It must be incredibly difficult to design a skinny jean for fat girls, but somehow Jessica has done it! I loved the dark wash of the jeans, and they way they hugged my curves. They looked fantastic with the two tops I purchased and I only wish I could have got them! Anyone reading this want to send me a pair?

All in all it’s a great start for Jessica in mass, and hopefully a sign of things to come from both her and the plus-size retail world!

I met the president

One thing I also want to mention about the evening is that I had the distinct pleasure of conversing with Kerry Mitchell, president of Addition-Elle herself! Of course I shared my thoughts with her on the state of plus-size fashion and my sentiments outlined above (what blogger wouldn’t grab that opportunity?!) and I quizzed her on what AE plans for the future.

Looks like we may be in luck! According to Kerry, AE is interested in doing a fall collection with Jessica Biffi. Talks have not yet begun with the designer but I think everyone’s fingers are crossed that this will go through. According to Canada NewsWire Group, the collection has been a hit with consumers so we can only hope to see more of JB’s fab fashions at our local shops.

Wanna know something that made me feel really good? Kerry herself is a plus-size woman. It’s nice to know that “one of us” is running the company. She was also delightful to speak with.

I met the designer

I also got a chance to hang out with Jessica at the event. She is one cool cat. And she buys her shoes at H&M! LOL. She was very down to earth, wore her own clothing and had a smile for everyone. I didn’t get the sense that it was all a front, like some celebrities put up (again I can say this with authority, my job brings me to hang out with celebs often enough that I can make these judgment calls). I feel good buying clothes that she designed, simply because she was a nice person. I like to support good people, and I vote with my dollars. You should too.

Anyway, she had real cool hair

Photo evidence!