My heart is still heavy from the news. I feel physically ill and I’m sure my crying jag didn’t help last night. My eyes are still sore and puffy despite a liberal application of Garnier’s Anti-puff eye roller.

I know it may not be a big deal to some people. But for me it cuts deep. I am thankful that I didn’t make a fool of myself in any way, or proceed too far with anything, but it still hurts. I feel like I’ve been duped.

All my life I have been alone. I thought this might be different. It felt different. I guess it’s not really his fault he’s got someone already, so I’m not really mad at him.

I’m more upset with myself for misreading everything, over analyzing and getting my hopes up. If there’s one thing life has taught me thus far it’s that I should never, ever get my hopes up for anything. Each time I have they end up being crushed.

I feel like an outcast. Why aren’t there any men that like me? (And those that say they do… why can’t I just lower my standards and like them back?)  I’m seriously puzzled. Why is it so hard for me to take action and get what I want in these situations (oh wait that’s right. Shit like this always happens. Or they’re gay. Or I get rejected.)

I’m successful at a lot of things in life; but this are has just been one giant failure. No matter how much I pray, how many self-help books I read, dating sites I’m on and how many friends I enlist for advice, I’m afraid that I am just destined to be alone.

This isn’t just about Mr. Darcy. It’s about the greatest failure in my life.

:*o(

He has a girlfriend.

This has not yet processed in my brain. I don’t know what to think or feel.

I think I may cry later.

How could this happen??????

I did it.

Sadly however, I got his voicemail.

Happily, I didn’t sound like a retard when I left a message, asking him to call me back.

I feel a lot better that I’ve done this, but I’m sure that in 5 minutes I’ll be back to panicking and stressing over when he calls back, and how THAT conversation will go.

Gawd, I’m so ashamed of my behaviour!

I’m going to call Mr. Darcy tonight.

So Christmas for me was all right this year. Not too many ups or downs like there have been in the past year (aside from the total downers at work).

I was pleasantly surprised a couple of times since this year I wasn’t really expecting anything much from family. We had all decided it would be a frugal Christmas, and my brother and I are too old to receive gifts from our extended family.

We drove up north on Christmas eve and spent the evening with my mom’s side of the family. Almost all my cousins, aunts and uncles were there for our white Christmas, with the exception of our American relatives who couldn’t make it up. But all was not lost! Wonder of wonders my uncle whipped out his laptop and called my aunt up on Skype!

It was pretty cool, but weird, too. My American family was there for our family dinner… but virtually! The webcam was set up and we all interacted with it throughout the meal, so it really felt as if the rest of the family was there. I think back to all the Christmases we missed them before and how times have changed!

I hung out with my cousins who are finally old enough to relate to  and we all just did family-type things, playing gift games and opening presents that evening.

In the morning we had a nice brunch, called my aunt on Skype again for a bit, then my little family was off to our second Christmas with my dad’s side of the family. We got there and had a nice dinner with my grandparents and aunt, uncle & cousin. I gave my grandparents that gift basket and they seemed happy to get it. And they gave me some money which I was not expecting, so I may be able to get that new winter coat after all!

After that we headed home, finally to have our own Christmas! We opened a few gifts with our different families, but the bulk of them were saved for our own immediate family’s celebration.

This is where it gets interesting… apparently all of us ignored the “frugal Christmas” rule this year! We all got way more than we thought we would. My brother was particularly generous to me, getting me a Toblerone bar, a new skillet I wanted, the Zombie Survival Guide and then a facial at my favourite spa! Holy cow, he really went overboard! I’m really going to have to make it up to him… I got him a session at a specialty shooting range where he can try out all the crazy military guns. It is for us to do together and only cost $40. We have to buy ammo separately so I suppose I can make up for it by buying a lot of that!

My parents also surprised me; after a few odds& ends and gag gifts, my final present was an iPod Touch 3G, 32 Gigs! Woah! I had no idea I would be getting that–I think they’re cool but I never actually mentioned getting one in front of my parents. But it’s pretty neat. I can’t wait to use the GPS features, Facebook, surf the net, etc. on it! I think it’s a great transition piece for me. I love the apps and features, but I didn’t want to get an iPhone because of the monthly cost associated with it. With the Touch, I can do just about everything and only need a WiFi signal. Luckily there are plenty of those in Toronto!

So that was definitely a highlight this week. I was honest-to-goodness surprised at Christmas, and delighted as well! I’ve got a new toy and some cash thanks to my grandparents to spend on other things.

Speaking of which, I braved the crowds today and managed to pick up a couple of tops, some undies, a silicone case for my iPod and some nice new sheets for my bed. Tomorrow I hope to get a new desk for my room and perhaps a new winter coat!

Note: I have a password-protected post coming up regarding someone I have a huge crush on, who may like me(???)… if you like my relationship/love posts you can email me to request the password. Because of the nature of the relationship I don’t want to make it TOO public… (gingercorsair at gmail dot com)

A while ago I gushed about this new perfume that I was on the hunt for; YSL’s Parisienne.

Well, I managed to track it down and test it out for an evening. I would have preferred a sample but Sephora doesn’t have it and the Bay wouldn’t decant it for me at all! Phooey! So I had to go off a spritz on my skin for one evening.

Sadness!

The scent I was in love with was not the main part of Parisienne! When I tried it on the top notes were blackberry and way too sweet for me. I don’t really like smelling like food. It turns out the part that I loved was the long-lasting finishing notes  (?) after the perfume had almost faded away. In the magazine sample that I initially smelled, I loved it, and I still love the scent after it has faded, but there’s no way I could wear that perfume just for those last few notes–it is far too cloying for my taste.

I’m so sad, I really wanted to love that perfume and finally have a signature scent that wouldn’t make me sick.

Though I wonder… any perfume junkies out there, do you know what the last notes are in that perfume? And do you know of any other perfumes that contain them as the main part??? I would really be interested in it!

So the search remains. For now I am back to liking Lancome’s Hypnose. I got those little sample bottles at a party a few years ago and am still getting through them. I think that if I can manage to finish my sample I may treat myself with the big one…

I need a little input on something to see if I’m just being totally selfish and crass, or if my concerns are valid.

So I spent a bunch of time and money making those giftbaskets for my friends. One of them was for this gal that I spent a lot of time with over the summer (the one who took in a female friend who then seduced her husband and got her kicked out of the relationship and the apartment).

The thing I am struggling with is whether to give her the basket at all at this point. Ever since I helped her get her shit together and move out of the house we’ve barely talked at all. She hasn’t invited me over to her new place or asked me to do anything with her. This is after she tells me that I’m “like a sister to her” in the summer.

See, I’ve never really felt that close to her. She was fun at times and was one of the people who helped me get settled in the Pagan community here. But the problem is that we are from totally different worlds.

You all know enough about me… she is a high school dropout, got pregnant at 16, has 3 kids that she lost custody of to her ex. She has mooched off of the government her whole life via welfare and disability. She’s also incredibly immature in that it’s like she never grew up past high school, which means she’s petty and a gossip and manipulative. She also has a tendency to exaggerate and blow things out of proportion.

I try to look past all of this because she does have a good heart. She loves her children and tries to take care of herself and others, and she has had a real rough life.

But lately, with this lack of contact in any form (and me finding out that she’s off partying with other mutual friends, having dinner parties, etc. without inviting me to anything) I’m not really feeling the love. I don’t really want to give her the basket I put so much effort into when I don’t feel like she “deserves it”; and I know she won’t reciprocate.

So tonight when I saw her at our Solstice/Yule celebration (yay for the birth of the son/sun!) I just gave her a card with a nice note in it instead. I am still on the fence about the gift.

I am so conflicted because I don’t want to give it to her and have myself get shafted, but at the same time it’s a gift for bobsakes! I know you’re not supposed to give gifts and expect anything in return. Plus, it would be a nice thing to do, and we DID have some good times.

Gifting is such a complex, deeply emotional thing for me. I have so many conflicting feelings about it. I want to give because it brings me joy. But I also want to be a scrooge because all my life I have given and given and never gotten anything in return from others. After a while you just have to stop sacrificing yourself for unrequited friendships. That’s how I’ve managed to make it through life so far–withdrawing into myself and trusting no one.

So now I’m left with an extra basket and I’m not sure what to do with it. Should I suck it up and give it to her, and never see her again?  Try and find someone else that I would like to give it to? Disassemble it and use the bits myself?

Am I being a selfish jerk, or am I within my rights to withhold this gift?

Thank goodness for 3-paycheque months!

This past week I just bought 2 new necklaces, both as a result of my silversmithing involvement!

I can’t remember if I mentioned it, but the studio I do my work at had a booth at an arts & crafts show this past weekend. They were pimping out their workshops and wanted to display the work of some advanced students, and they asked me for my stuff! Yay!

So I got some free studio time out of the deal, and I got to see my work displayed all professional-like. I stopped by the show and spoke with a professional smith that was manning the booth and she said that people kept trying to pick up my stuff and buy it! That just tickles me pink; that folks think my work is good enough to buy! The artist herself said that I should capitalize on my awesome skull pendants and produce more of them to sell. They’re a really hot motif right now and people love handmade things like that (hey, if I offered them, would you ever consider buying one? I’m trying to gauge interest…)

Anyway, since I had to pay to get into the show I figured I ought to look around. There was lots of cool artzy phartzy Queen West type stuff on offer with a rather high amount of knitted stuff and paperworks around. There were a few other jewelery makers there, and this particular piece caught my eye:

$50 later and it was mine! The small acorn is made from a pearl, while the large acorn is a glass pearl. The top of the large acorn is actually cast from a real acorn cap in brass, and then plated with gold. The little beads are Swarovski crystals.  The gal who made it doesn’t have a shop, but you can check out her blog here.

I don’t normally like brown tones in my things, but I really liked this one! And I like how it tinkles together when I move around

The next piece I got was actually made by Rickson. She happened to be the gal at MY booth at the show. Turns out we have a lot in common: we both LOVE LOVE LOVE kitties, and accessories, too! I had seen her cat pendant earlier at the studio and thought it looked fantastic.

So tonight while I was there, I bought it!

It comes in silver & brass and several sizes. I bought the tiniest brass one because I am trying to bring more gold tones into my accessories. It’s SO cute! And I love cats! Her stuff is definitely worth checking out if you’re interested, all her work is done through the casting process, rather than construction. It’s the same way I made the skull pendants. This set me back about $78 after taxes. Ouch!

I love my new things but I really think I should stop going to studios, stores and shows! Thank goodness all my Christmas shopping is done already!

You asked for it… here’s what I wore to the xmas party last night:

As you can see, I am not only short on mirrors in my apartment, but I also take horrible photos past 11pm! But this is all you’re gonna get since I don’t think I could wrangle myself into that outfit again any time soon!

The party went well, the food was nice and most people dressed up. I had a decent time, though the fact that I am an outsider (or possible an Outlier if I think positively) really shines at this kind of stuff. After a while I felt like I wasn’t even visible at the party, so I went home around 11.

It was a Tuesday anyway. Who books a holiday party on a Tuesday???

Hopefully I can get this post up on Fatshionista… let’s see if they approve it!

Also, thanks FB for editing the photo for me!